This was me (18th oct 07, 0936):
I’m very exhausted.
Its like a used up 110% of my body strength to push the push cart but it only moves 0.01 meters.
Yes. Its that kind of feeling. I put in double the effort, I reap half of whatever I gave.
This is gonna be the first D in my SMU journey ain’t it?
I guess so. i kept telling myself, grades really aren't that important and whatever.
But why does it hurt so bad? its because i put in nothing but sheer efforts.
Its unfair. Why are You doing this to me?
Why is it time and again, you kept letting me fall into that extreme form of disappointment?
Yes, they are not life and death kind of important. But i am not even asking for like 80, 90, even 70?!?!#?$?@
Why can't You just grant me what You've grant me all my life?
A second best. Im always in the 2nd best alll my life so far.
Sec 1B to 4b, pri 1-2 to 6-2.
You even gave me my best in my poly days.
I work hard, You gave me all i worked for.
Why doesn't this principle apply anymore?
i work hard i get shit/borderline pay off.
WHY!!!?????
I'm beyond exhaustion can bring me to but you have to make it so hard for me.
I keep trying but You constantly take that fighting spirirt away from me.
I pay attention, i wake up early, i do homework, i sleep late to do even more work, i try and try and try.
Yea, sure. Grades aren't my life.
But the least it could do it giving me a little strength to continue moving on.
I just need some kind of assurance sometimes that i'm still doing okay.
All these while of fighting has been being reciprocated somehow.
To know i am Ok, still ok, i need to be okay to continue.
However, all these, all these ARE NOT ok.
where am i gonna gather more strength?
where can i start feeling more confident stepping in grounds of my campus?
i need that slight more than a borderline to know that i am still that same and sane.
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A miserable and painful soul after the cursed Mgmt science paper.
which btw, its me. And after the freak paper, i fell sick till today.
Yea. Perhaps i'm NOT made for figures, i hate them in fact.
But i don't have a choice. For now, really i only wished for a just pass.
Fuck the As, the Bs, I’m getting just at my wits end sometimes I don’t even know how to take another breath in school.
But thankfully, baby have been really supportive and being there when i'm lowest.
Thank you darling, you're the best. :))
Okay. We move on with life nonetheless. We go on attending life events one after another.
Let’s start off from my beloved sis getting her certified MRS LEE.
Beams*
They are all in the multiple facebook pictures and tags. I’m so lazy to upload so take a look at facebook pictures ok? hee.
I’m really happy (i shall just use the simplest word), my heart twists and whirl with sweetness when their vows are being exchanged. That’s perhaps how bliss is supposed to mean and feel, yea? Truth to be told, it’s every girl’s dream to get married and be gee bout it for the longest time isn’t it? And this time it’s my sis’s turn. Oh btw, I’m here typing my blog post again on my train ride to school.
Then, over this weekend was my eldest cousin going thru his customary marriage. I love the pictures that they took. Always liked any damn wedding pictures I see, they are all so delightful. Hee. The first time I see my parents being offered tea formally and also an almost adult me getting the real meaning of marriage. Its considerations, money, friends, relatives, alcohol, preparations, the vows they take till they leave this world, the life they will spend together here on, etc. involved. Unlike younger days where wedding dinner is plainly just eat eat eat to your heart’s content. Despite the popularity of infidelity existence, I somehow still believe in marriage – the union of 2 souls forever kind of shit.
MC or reception I really don’t quite know to which one I should be going for. But I guess I should be worrying bout my upcoming 21st first. PJs or masquerade? This weekend I’d be doing up the invitation and sending it out. J
After speaking to a fellow year 4 project mate in my MPW (aka: OB) group, I suddenly think more positively bout my school – as in there is someone like me. I finally know that there is some one that is not out to kill me in the competition that there was someone who has gone thru the agony and still survive. I’m only hoping that I can make it thru too, even if it means barely to. I just need to pass those cursed subjects and score for my marketing subjects/PR. So long as I get to work and do well at my subjects of interests – that is 对得起自己 which matters most to me now.
Alrighty. That’s all for this week. Say hello to hell in few weeks.
Labels: crazy work load, the week-ENDS, updates, when u just need to blog
